Walk in my shoes, or on my hands

My first ever job was administrative assistant at a small bank. One of my duties was assisting Human Resources with whatever they needed. In a short time, I became a regular part of the HR team. Sometimes I handled disability claims for employees.

I was a jerk.

I totally dismissed Carpal Tunnel as a lie. I was taught to delay their paperwork in case they changed their mind and decided to get back to work. I was told they'll change their tune once they find out they will get much money. I was told that Carpal Tunnel is what lazy people say to get out of work.

This is the attitude I adopted. This is what I chose to believe.

Fast forward many, many years and here I am off work for more than a year because of my own Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I'm one month post op from surgery and I still fear I am not back to normal. I have pain that is sometimes unbearable. I have to set my baby down crying because it hurts to carry her. I'm a mess.

The first time I actually talked to my doctor about it is when I was 6 months pregnant and my hands were completely numb. This was 2-3 years after symptoms started. I couldn't handle the heavy physical demands of my job. I was trying to put compression stockings on a patients who was newly quadriplegic and I was useless to him. I couldn't dress him and I couldn't get him into his wheel chair. I could barely bathe him where he lay in bed.

I cried my eyes out. I literally bawled on my doctors shoulder. I had been suffering for so long and I couldn't do it anymore. If I can't help my patients and care for my family who am I? I stopped wearing makeup because the brushes would either slip out of my hand or it would cause unimaginable pain to hold them. A makeup artist not able to do makeup. My life made no sense.

So now the tables have turned. I received a call from my hospital's HR department telling me I've been on medical leave too long. I'm not protected by FMLA because they've challenged my work status. "Your position was re-filled more than a year ago, so your best bet is to resign."

Um, well that's not gonna happen. I love my hospital. Maybe I could stay on in another position? I don't know. Being a person on medical leave is not an easy thing. It's not Club Med. It's not Club Medical Leave. I'm not lounging around in a bikini (yeeeesh). I'm sweating through pain and struggling at every turn.

There is no real end to this story, no resolution yet, but I'm open to suggestions.