At Arms Length

Today I am going to talk about pushing people away.

We have all done it. Some of us have done it on purpose. Some of us are doing it constantly everyday without even noticing.

We push our kids away by not validating their feelings. We push our friends away by not taking their calls. We push our lovers away by using the excuse that we are too tired. When does enough become enough? Are we obligated to tell someone that we feel like we are being pushed away?

I would rather not talk about it. Why?

"I feel like you are pushing me away."
"I'm not pushing you away, I love you."

or

"Please do not push me away"
"If I was pushing you away, you would know it."

Oooookay. So, that would be the end of that conversation. When I was younger, I tried so hard to explain how I felt to my friends, family, boyfriend because I wanted them to know without a doubt that I was trying very hard to keep them around. I absolutely hate losing people that I love. Perhaps most of the time I hold on to people a little too much because of that.

Now I don't feel the need to hold on to people as much. I am busy with my kids and I would really rather be with them. I haven't been feeling well and I notice more and more who really matters and I matter to. So now that my circle is so small, I notice when someone pushes me away and it stings all the more. I'm older and I'm tired and I don't bounce back as quick.

How long before the push away becomes a throw away?

Loser at Love

By the time we are in our twenties, most of us have been in love... Or at least what we would consider to be love. Puppy love, high school sweatheart love. Whatever, love is love. By the time I was twenty, I had a baby and was living his father and I thought this was my life forever. It was not the end for me (Thank God!!)

I see a lot of my friends go through heart break and loneliness and trying to get their exes back. The ones who are not trying to get the ex back and still obsessing about the ex but pretending they are not. I just want to say... Get over it. Someday, when everything is falling into the right place you will find what you need and it will be everything you ever imagined and more. Much, much more.

I myself was not looking to fall in love. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I was smart enough to hold on for dear life. My husband is the most amazing, supportive, beautiful, strong, big, absolutely wonderful man to me and our children.

What happened when I met him? I became a loser. I lost so much crap that I had been carrying around from the past that I became new again. It was like being with a man for the first time and nothing or no one else could compare. It was like experiencing life for the first time. Everything was better with him. All of a sudden going to the store was exciting. A hamburger became more delicious if I was having it with him. Everything was better with him. I lost all the bitterness of past relationships. I lost the resentment for the people who were suppose to take care of me because now we had formed our own team. I lost the feeling that no one would ever have my back.

With him I was finally home.

I knew the minute I saw him that he was the only person for me and I let him know right away.

I'm not writing to brag about the wonderful life I have. I am writing this to let people know that there are second chances, and in some cases third or fourth chances. If you love them let them know.

His Biggest Fan

While I always like to think that I am my husband's biggest fan, the truth is I am not. This summer has been pretty warm. Downright hot. I have heard a few reasons why our central air doesn't work but the truth is it would take a lot of work to right the wrongs that have been done to our heating/cooling situation (I guess).

Our house is just a big hot stuffy mess. The kids and I spend the day sweating away. That's okay, I don't really mind it. It would be worse to hear complaints about a high electric bill from having the central air on all day. So we grin and bear it. It's freakin' summer, we'll do what we gotta do. We have a nice house. We live in a beautiful neighborhood. We have more than many, many people so I really shouldn't complain.

Enter Felicia the Fan. Felicia, as I have named her, is a big ass fan my husband has brought from I don't even care to know where. She is something you might see attached to a pole inside the Costco while you check out. I hate her. I hate her so much I named the bitch. My husband loves Felicia. He positions her this way and that way. I have to hear her loudness at all times while he is home. Sure she helps circulate the air around the house. Thanks.

The worst part is the dang thing is on all night. I'm sure the noise and air help him sleep during this heatwave. Me? I lay there awake, grinding my teeth at the noise which I can not stand. What's a wife to do? He's the one who leaves early every morning to work outside the home. He needs his sleep. So I stay there in the cold, noisy room, grinding and chipping away at my teeth until mid fall when the weather cools down a bit and I can finally say....

No Photos

If a tree falls and there is no one around to hear it... Does it make a sound?

If my baby has a birthday and no one takes a picture... Did it really happen?

You bet it did. It happened on Saturday. My beautiful baby gal turned one. One year old. Her first ever celebration. We went out with the whole family and had a blast. All of the kids had a great time. No one fussed. No one cried. No one melted down. No one begged for a toy or candy. No one took a picture. No one posted to social media. No one died. Not in our group anyway.

It is possible to go through the day actually looking at your children through your own eyes instead of the camera/camera phone lens. People have done it since the beginning of time. Sure, I felt bad at first but seriously its not a big deal. As a mom, there are going to be millions of things to feel bad about later.

We didn't keeps the phones and cameras locked up or anything. It wasn't a decision we made at the start of the day. We were just having so much fun that we didn't think about it. It's a major step in the right direction.

Awkward

The older I get the less likely I am to tolerate bullshit. I do not want to deal. I do not want to make small talk. I don't want to look in the face of the people who give me a tension headache and pretend I like them. I do not care of they are family or not. 

So, recently I decided to get together for my daughters birthday. It is not a party. I just told a few people to meet up with us and have a little fun. Just like my son's birthday that just passed, I only invited a few people who have kids and would be fun. Well, my sister decided to invite... AND PICK UP... a couple of people I did not need there. Don't get me wrong these people are a big part of my life. Well... WERE a big part of my life. The thing is, they were not very nice to the main person in my life. So while we don't carry around any bad feelings, we don't really have any good feelings for them either. I do my bit out of guilt, and I do not want to ever be rude to someone who I do love. 

BUUUUUTTTT, this is our daughters deal. Me and my husband and OUR family. So, I will be by my husbands side the whole day. I did not have a party because I do not want to host and make that small talk. So now what? I'll tell you what, now I will have to tend to my kids, the three small ones and my husband and "they" will be waddling around somewhere behind. Now I'm the asshole that I never wanted to be. This is the whole situation I wanted to avoid! 

The worse thing about it is then the following week, I'll get bombarded with "Are you mad at me?" "Did something happen?" "I feel like you are avoiding me." That's because I am and I have been for a long time now. This may sound super petty to some people but to someone who has been used and manipulated their whole life by people who now, conveniently, have no memory of any of it, this just makes perfect sense. 

Walk in my shoes, or on my hands

My first ever job was administrative assistant at a small bank. One of my duties was assisting Human Resources with whatever they needed. In a short time, I became a regular part of the HR team. Sometimes I handled disability claims for employees.

I was a jerk.

I totally dismissed Carpal Tunnel as a lie. I was taught to delay their paperwork in case they changed their mind and decided to get back to work. I was told they'll change their tune once they find out they will get much money. I was told that Carpal Tunnel is what lazy people say to get out of work.

This is the attitude I adopted. This is what I chose to believe.

Fast forward many, many years and here I am off work for more than a year because of my own Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I'm one month post op from surgery and I still fear I am not back to normal. I have pain that is sometimes unbearable. I have to set my baby down crying because it hurts to carry her. I'm a mess.

The first time I actually talked to my doctor about it is when I was 6 months pregnant and my hands were completely numb. This was 2-3 years after symptoms started. I couldn't handle the heavy physical demands of my job. I was trying to put compression stockings on a patients who was newly quadriplegic and I was useless to him. I couldn't dress him and I couldn't get him into his wheel chair. I could barely bathe him where he lay in bed.

I cried my eyes out. I literally bawled on my doctors shoulder. I had been suffering for so long and I couldn't do it anymore. If I can't help my patients and care for my family who am I? I stopped wearing makeup because the brushes would either slip out of my hand or it would cause unimaginable pain to hold them. A makeup artist not able to do makeup. My life made no sense.

So now the tables have turned. I received a call from my hospital's HR department telling me I've been on medical leave too long. I'm not protected by FMLA because they've challenged my work status. "Your position was re-filled more than a year ago, so your best bet is to resign."

Um, well that's not gonna happen. I love my hospital. Maybe I could stay on in another position? I don't know. Being a person on medical leave is not an easy thing. It's not Club Med. It's not Club Medical Leave. I'm not lounging around in a bikini (yeeeesh). I'm sweating through pain and struggling at every turn.

There is no real end to this story, no resolution yet, but I'm open to suggestions.

Perception is Reality

There is a bright light shining in my eyes. It's overpowering me. I cannot look away. I cannot move. I'm paralyzed. I try to wiggle my way out. What is happening to me? Am I dead? Where is my mommy? I see people. Wait. I think they are people. They are blue, they have no mouths or noses only big shiny plastic eyes. What the hell is going on? I want to scream but I can only cry. They are coming at me. They are hurting me. My face burns. Why would my family let this happen? Where is my mom? Are these things killing me?

This is a recurring nightmare that I have had since I could remember. It is actually my first every memory that I can recall. Imagine that! I asked my mom over and over again what it could be. I have told my brother and sister again and again for like 30 something years and of course they laughed at me. I was convinced I was abducted by aliens and put through some sort of experiments. 

The explanation is a little more simple, of course. When I was a kid, I decided to make a "yellow brick road" out of magazines and skip all over it. I fell and bashed my head on the big ol' console tv in my parents house and had to go to the hospital for stitches. Sooooooo, what I was remembering all this time was me in the Emergency Room (circa 1979 probably) getting stitches. 

The point of me telling this story, which I tell often, is not that I wasn't abducted by aliens. The point is that little kids go through brand new things everyday. They are looking to us to explain and react with care and consideration to their feelings. We have to offer age appropriate explanations and actions so that they can be secure in that what they are going through is valid. If they are scared, sometimes it may seem silly to us, but the way they (with our help, sometimes) work through their fear is much more important that we think sometimes. It can mean the difference between them facing challenges or shying away from them in the future. Of course all kids are different, but if you spend enough time you'll know what I mean.