Inside Out

Someone once told me "Don't compare their outside, to your inside." I didn't fully understand that back then but now... I get it. I don't expect my life to be easy and believe me it hasn't been. Growing up I looked at everyone else around me and I thought all of my friends had it better than I did. When I think about my childhood and look at family photographs, one thing that is constant no matter what age I was is the anxiety that I always felt. I grew up with my adrenaline always pumping and my stomach always upset. I invited a sense of doom into every situation. I can remember a few specific situations, but for the most part I don't remember anything but that stress feeling. 

Being constantly gas lighted through my childhood led to a feeling that I was never normal. I learned how to mistrust any feeling I was experiencing, even misinterpreting them in almost every situation. 

I was told that life is easy for other people and I'm the only one who has a hard time with anything. That's quite a hard lump to swallow for a little kid. 

So now, as an adult, I look around sometimes and I see how other peoples lives seem so effortless and I have to once again not compare. I see someone on the outside. A quick moment in their lives, when they are having a good day at the zoo or a quick trip to the Farmers Market. I have no idea what is on the inside. I don't know what their daily life is like or if they even wanted to get out of bed. I don't know who has money or marital problems. I don't know if he or she has a drinking problem or high cholesterol. 

I've learned to compare me to me and also remember that there is always room for growth. I've lost that itch to get my grass as green as the neighbors (the drought, man, the drought). I've learned that my best now is not my best ever and my best ever has yet to come. I don't want to know every ones issues, knowing people have problems will not make me feel better about my own life. For now I thank God we are not Inside Out.