Yummy Chewy Protein

So I am still amazed at what I can and cannot eat after surgery. For example, my husband can (and does) eat a chocolate bar right next to me. I can smell it. I can almost taste and I do not want any. I know!! It is crazy.
For me, it is important to keep some things always ready to go. One is a creamy protein drink, One is a nectar protein drink and last but most important is a protein bar. I have tried many a protein bar over the last 20 years and they just don't really improve with the time. My favorite bar isn't even that great and can be too sweet with all the chunks of chocolate in it. So here is my recipe for making a chewy bar using the only protein powder that I can tolerate at the moment! Syntrax Supplements!!

Ingredients:
2 tablespoons Vita Fiber
1 scoop protein powder (I prefer Syntrax Supplements, because of the absorbability)
2 teaspoons of almond flour

Directions:
Heat the Vita Fiber until it just starts to bubble. Once it bubbles, remove from heat and add almond flour and protein powder. I premix them together in a bowl for more even distribution. The mixture will look dry at first. Transfer the mixture onto a cutting board or kitchen counter, it will be hot to handle. I use ziploc type bags as mittens and knead it into a ball. (I am sure you can dump the mix into the bag and knead it that way instead and save yourself a bag) You can either add extras like nuts and knead again or just shape into your preferred shape.

In the picture above I made the following combinations:
Syntrax Peanut butter cookie with peanuts
Syntrax Perfect Chocolate with hazelnuts
Syntrax Vanilla bean torte with almonds

Oh so good! I now refuse to pay $3 and up for a protein bar when it is this easy to do it myself. I hope you enjoy this recipe and if you modify it or try it out be sure to let me know!

Baby Bites...

With everything that comes with being a mommy and a wife, you don't just get thrown curve balls, you get constant dodge balls to the face and gut. My most recent sucker punch... My baby gal has aggressive tooth decay.

Yes. My little bundle of rosey smelling poopy pants has tooth decay. So, lets talk about all the hindsight. I noticed a crack in two of her top front teeth a while back. I asked the pediatrition at her next visit and she said we should wait and see, as long as it doesn't stop baby from eating or nursing. I think she cracked them when she fell down while holding my stainless steel cup and hit her mouth on it. She left a pretty big dent in it, enough for me to need a new cup.

Well we waited and nothing really got better or worse. Not that a cracked tooth can get better. So, fast forward 4 months and I noticed her teeth look like she marked them up with a grey/green crayon. I am talking full on Austin Powers yuck teeth across her four front.

No more wait and see. I took her to 4 children's Dental offices. Two of the dentists wouldn't treat her at all because they were not pediatric specialists as advertised and one yelled at me for letting her get bottle rot and also for taking Zofran while pregnant. What? Finally I found a pediatric specialist expecting her to tell me Juniper needed caps on her front four teeth. Nope! She needs to have her top 3 front teeth removed. REMOVED!! She has such an aggressive decay in the tooth because it entered through the break that it is not salvageable. As if that were not horrific enough, she is not a candidate for oral sedation. That means having to take her to a childrens hospital and putting her completely under with general anesthesia or giving her laughing gas in the office and strapping her down to do the work.

I am having a hard time brushing her teeth because they are so sensitive now but she seems to have taken to a new one I found on Amazon http://amzn.to/2nxCjyG

Ritual Addiction

As I have gone through my (many) phases in life and my addictions have gone from playing with toys, collecting things, drugs, drinking, sex and what have you. I notice that the ritual of the addiction are just as important as the actual addiction itself.

For me when it was drugs, there was the major ritual of calling and trying to get the drugs. Then when you get what you want there is the set up. Setting up all the "accessories". Crushing and setting up lines, rolling up the dollar bill, or opening up the Bic pen ( some of yall know what I mean). Then the actual ingesting of the drug.

If it's a person or relationship that is the addiction, then the 20 million calls or texts. The projection of the feelings. The calling them up to offer sex, just to feel some sort of emotional connection to someone (whether reciprocated or not).

All of these rituals are part of the addiction and part of the lead up to the excitement as any other part of the chemical or emotional addiction. Now, I find it quite sad, but in the heat of the moment it was super exciting and absolutely necessary.

Dealing with addictions is difficult and many of us actually just jump from addiction to addiction without ever really being free. I am sorry I do not really have an answer for you here. I am a work in progress but mostly I just wish to be numb.

Old and Comfy

Why do we choose to hold on to things that are old and comfortable? The underwear we have worn a thousand times? The white T shirt with uber fray around the neck? The rude boyfriend that disrespects you simply by not respecting you?

Hmmmm. Some people stay together for the kids. What does that teach? That you want to win at all costs? Perhaps you want to prove everyone wrong? Whats the real cost of that. You end up teaching your sons how to be disrespectful and your daughters how to be disrespected, or vice versa.

Who wins in these scenarios? Nobody. The truth is we are not put here to win. What the hell are we put here for? Who the hell knows. Not me. I am the last person that should be explaining the meaning of life.

What I do want to say is just think about what your reasoning is behind staying comfy and is it really comfy?

Letter of Resignation

So... I recently (very recently) had to submit a letter of resignation, for medical reason, to my employer of 4 years.

This was not an easy decision. I actually cried for a few days. Stressed out extremely for a few weeks. Ate way too much, blamed it on the stress and almost sabotaged my four month weight loss.

I am not happy about this. I am better today than I was yesterday. Yesterday was better than the day before an so on. I still feel out of control and that is not a good feeling. Usually, when I leave a job, I know I can find a new one, it would just be a matter of time. This time, my body is not what I am use to and it's a little more complicated.

I know that I will never be what I was before but I have faith that I will be stronger than what I am today. I feel guilty that I am so upset about this because I know I am blessed and this could be so much worse. Still, I feel lost. I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I don't want to be the cause of anyone's stress. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. I want to be the hero. I want to be the one who gets the thanks and appreciation for a job well done. I miss my nursing staff. I miss my patients. I miss taking care of people. I miss seeing people taking their first steps after a major accident. I miss running pumped breastmilk to the NICU. I miss helping a suicidal patient get through the first 24 hours in the hospital. I miss so much that I can't even put into words. It's not only being a part of an organization that cares for people but it's part of who I am. I feel like a part of me is lost. Is gone.

Even though I have already thought up a new plan, it's hard to give myself time to get better. Probably because I don't know the time frame. There is something about having to give up that control that gives me anxiety.

So while I am super sad about having to end  this relationship with a great hospital, I have left the door open to going back at a later date in another capacity. My plans include a plan B, C, D, DD, DDD. Today, I will concentrate on my hand exercises, schoolwork and loving on my family.

No fan of the Follow up

I am not a fan of the "follow up" doctors visit. I can't be the only one. I can follow through without following up. For example, if the doctor says finish the antibiotic even if I feel better, if the doc says don't lift over 8 lbs for the next three weeks (okay, bad example since Juniper is about 22 lbs.) . I can follow through with the doctors instructions but chances are I am going to cancel the follow up appointment. Even after four children, I only made it to 6 week postpartum check ups for the last two. I felt okay. Its a baby not open heart surgery. I didn't have c-sections. I didn't need any pain meds at home. I didn't even want to follow up with bilirubin checks on Calvin and Juniper when they were born jaundiced. Why? I already knew to wake them every hour to feed them until the jaundice was gone. The doctor would have tried to get me to supplement with formula and I wasn't having it. I reluctantly made to my post op carpal tunnel suture removal but I really wanted to do it at home. If I had the strength to hold the little scissors I would have cut the stitches myself. Maybe I am crazy, but there is so much we can take care of from the comfort of our own homes. Perhaps I will join the essential oils cult.

At Arms Length

Today I am going to talk about pushing people away.

We have all done it. Some of us have done it on purpose. Some of us are doing it constantly everyday without even noticing.

We push our kids away by not validating their feelings. We push our friends away by not taking their calls. We push our lovers away by using the excuse that we are too tired. When does enough become enough? Are we obligated to tell someone that we feel like we are being pushed away?

I would rather not talk about it. Why?

"I feel like you are pushing me away."
"I'm not pushing you away, I love you."

or

"Please do not push me away"
"If I was pushing you away, you would know it."

Oooookay. So, that would be the end of that conversation. When I was younger, I tried so hard to explain how I felt to my friends, family, boyfriend because I wanted them to know without a doubt that I was trying very hard to keep them around. I absolutely hate losing people that I love. Perhaps most of the time I hold on to people a little too much because of that.

Now I don't feel the need to hold on to people as much. I am busy with my kids and I would really rather be with them. I haven't been feeling well and I notice more and more who really matters and I matter to. So now that my circle is so small, I notice when someone pushes me away and it stings all the more. I'm older and I'm tired and I don't bounce back as quick.

How long before the push away becomes a throw away?