Letter of Resignation

So... I recently (very recently) had to submit a letter of resignation, for medical reason, to my employer of 4 years.

This was not an easy decision. I actually cried for a few days. Stressed out extremely for a few weeks. Ate way too much, blamed it on the stress and almost sabotaged my four month weight loss.

I am not happy about this. I am better today than I was yesterday. Yesterday was better than the day before an so on. I still feel out of control and that is not a good feeling. Usually, when I leave a job, I know I can find a new one, it would just be a matter of time. This time, my body is not what I am use to and it's a little more complicated.

I know that I will never be what I was before but I have faith that I will be stronger than what I am today. I feel guilty that I am so upset about this because I know I am blessed and this could be so much worse. Still, I feel lost. I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I don't want to be the cause of anyone's stress. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. I want to be the hero. I want to be the one who gets the thanks and appreciation for a job well done. I miss my nursing staff. I miss my patients. I miss taking care of people. I miss seeing people taking their first steps after a major accident. I miss running pumped breastmilk to the NICU. I miss helping a suicidal patient get through the first 24 hours in the hospital. I miss so much that I can't even put into words. It's not only being a part of an organization that cares for people but it's part of who I am. I feel like a part of me is lost. Is gone.

Even though I have already thought up a new plan, it's hard to give myself time to get better. Probably because I don't know the time frame. There is something about having to give up that control that gives me anxiety.

So while I am super sad about having to end  this relationship with a great hospital, I have left the door open to going back at a later date in another capacity. My plans include a plan B, C, D, DD, DDD. Today, I will concentrate on my hand exercises, schoolwork and loving on my family.